World War I
If World War One was a bar Fight…
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when
Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint. Austria demands Serbia
buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.
Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view. Britain
recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can’t
afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s
trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it’s
looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother
alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it
to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and
that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.
Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is
looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany
tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia
incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s
looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper.
When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany
rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and
Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and
France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at
Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other
side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy
surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets
punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do
it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and
carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked
out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.
Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America
waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from
Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then
pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken
and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America
agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s
fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets,
steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
